26 Funny Jokes You’ll Understand if You’re a Nurse

26 funny nursing jokes
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See Also: 27 Nursing Quotes & Jokes That Veteran Nurses Totally Understand!

“All bleeding stops … eventually.”


“Be nice to me! I may be your nurse someday, and I’m the one who chooses your catheter size.”


“Code Brown does not mean that your patient brought you a box of chocolates.” (Code Brown = Patient needs to be cleaned up from their bowel movement.)


“Constant attention by a good nurse may be just as important as a major operation by a surgeon.”


“Don’t mess with me — I get paid to poke people with sharp objects.”


“Ever get to work and immediately just be like, “Fuck this, I’m out”


“How can anybody hate nurses? Nobody hates nurses. The only time you hate a nurse is when they’re giving you an enema.”


“I avoid unhealthy looking people at the mall for fear that I may have to CPR on my day off.”


“I’m a nurse. Let me tell you what I am not. Your WAITRESS. Your SERVANT. Your DRUG DEALER . Your PUNCHING BAG.”


“It is too bad that having a job which sucks life out of you does not suck the fat from your ass.”


“Laughter is not the best medicine … Propofol is!”


“Nurses may not be angels, but they are the next best thing.”


“Nursing friendships are a different kind of love; like, ‘I’ll hold the butt cheeks while you clean the butt crack’ kind of love!’


“Nursing school: where your classmates see you more than your family.”


“Nursing: Expose yourself to rare, exotic and exciting new diseases!”


“Remember, I’m a nurse. You’re going to have to say a lot to gross me out.”


“Since I started nursing school, I get less sleep at night than you get during a nap.”


“Treat your nurse well. ‘I can walk as slow or as fast as I choose to retrieve that pain medication you requested.“1


“WOW, I LOVE NURSING SCHOOL, CARE PLANS and FINAL EXAMS”. Said no one Ever.”


“Yes I’m nurse. No, I don’t want to look at it.”


“You can’t cure stupid, but you can sedate it.”


“You think Mondays are bad? Try working weekends, holidays and 12 hours night!”


"Always thank your nurse. Sometimes they’re the only one between you and a hearse." – Warren Beatty


"How do nurse day “F@*% you”? ..”Yes doctor”."


"Nurses are I.V. leaguers."


"What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket? “Some butthole has my pen!”"

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See Also: 27 Nursing Quotes & Jokes That Veteran Nurses Totally Understand!

26 Funny Nurse Jokes Only a True Nurse Would Understand